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How Losing my Shit Helped me Find myself Again



I lost my shit today. I tried to find a way to keep it under control like I have so many times before. I kept telling myself, "Don't do it, Maureen. Just breathe. Just count to ten. Do not give him the satisfaction of knowing he has pushed your buttons one too many times."

I have a TREASURE TROVE of skills to pull from for moments like this, but instead of pulling from it, I kicked it over and lost my shit.

To most people, this isn't something you beat yourself up over. But even when you've put time and effort into learning how to respond to things you cannot control in a peaceful manner, in a split second, one passive-aggressive dig too many can bring all of that work crashing down. It's disappointing, and I don't want to believe one person can have that much influence on me! How could I allow myself to lose control over something said to me by a co-worker who means nothing to me?

Most people know someone like him. The one with the razor-sharp tongue and sense of humor that makes people forget they're laughing at something that, were it to be said about someone they love, wouldn't think was so funny. He is the one who can make you laugh so hard you can't breathe because the way he says it is funny. When you are sharing something funny that happened to you, he is also the one who barely lets you finish before telling you his bigger, more outrageous story. The office is his stage, and he is the headliner. And, in a short amount of time, you realize he believes those moments permit him to do and say whatever it is he wants. No one reels him in, so why wouldn't he? He sucks all the oxygen from the room with temper tantrums when someone does something he doesn't like or inconveniences him. And, he's smart enough to know how to get in front of his bullshit before it blows back on him. His larger-than-life personality has everyone convinced he's "funny and crazy as hell." He calls every guy "Bro," boasts about how his daughter's "pretty privilege" gets her what she wants and brags about the audacious way he puts people - including clients - in their place.

🙄🙄🙄

His show becomes even more exaggerated and larger than life when, as was the case today, our boss takes the day off. He is left in charge, and his inability to manage the business professionally and properly catches up to him. He can't do what our boss does. He doesn't get the same respect our boss gets because you can't go from acting like the class clown then suddenly expect people to take you seriously. So, to make himself feel better, he asserts his 'authority' by beating his chest and calling co-workers out for something ridiculous to deflect from the fact that he is overwhelmed.

Worse than that, he loves an audience and will do it in front of anyone - delivery men, customers, vendors, etc. I lost my shit because not only had I finally reached my limit with Mr. Big Show, I was disappointed in myself. I have experience with people like him, and I knew exactly who this man was by the end of the first day I met him. Yet, instead of recognizing and reminding myself early on that I knew how to handle someone like him in a way that didn't make me lose my shit, I chose complacency. I didn't want to be the office buzz kill.

Today was the day when his belief that he could start and finish something by saying, "I don't mean to be an asshole but...." struck my last nerve. This time I didn't worry about his sharp tongue, ability to get in front of his nonsense or try to put my head down and count to 10 because other people were there. What he said and how he said it was uncalled for. His belief that he can say and do whatever he wants without consequence went one step too far, and I allowed myself to lose my shit. Whether he chooses to run back to our boss and let him know is his decision. I know he will tell the story if his passive-aggressiveness sounds justified. As nice as my boss is, my trying to get in front of it won't matter, so I have decided to say nothing. I will let Mr. Big Show tell the story if he chooses to. I will allow him to portray me like a raging banshee who went after him for no reason and give him another "crazy" woman story to act out.

I simply do not care.

I have reached a point of no return. I'm tired of the complacency and just going along with giving a man child the attention he demands to keep him happy. In hindsight, my only regret when he said, "I don't mean to be an asshole but..." is that I didn't simply respond, "You don't mean to be, yet you are," and simply went about my day.

Instead of continuing to beat myself up, I have decided to allow today to be the reminders I will take with me into 2022:

- Boundaries are okay and necessary.

- I don't need permission to defend myself.

- Nice guys will sometimes choose what is easy over what is right.

Perhaps I have finally passed through another threshold in life; the "I really don't care what people think about me anymore. I'm good." threshold.

It's easy to forget who you are and what it took to get there. Losing my shit helped me find myself again, and I like who I see.

~Maureen 💙


~Maureen Spataro is the author of "Press Pause: The Breakdown that Rebuilt My Life and Changed a Family Legacy". Click the link below to buy her book today on Amazon!
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