Let's Climb Higher Together / Releasing Old Identities

 Let’s Climb Higher Together

I spend lots of time thinking about scaffolding, the platforms and walls used to elevate and support workers during construction. To me, it’s just the right metaphor for the structures that help us build new lives. If we are lucky, we find people and practices that allow us to climb higher than we ever knew we could. Whether it’s a group of friends, a community group, journaling, getting great sleep, eating well or fitness, we build powerful routines around these systems of support.

When we find ourselves feeling inspired, we count on our scaffolds to help us move higher. But, as we progress higher, we often forget that they’re really there for the moments when we start to slip, to save us from free falling, and give us a sturdy platform to pick ourselves back up.

Instead of clinging more tightly to our scaffolds in slippery moments, many of us have a tendency to separate ourselves from our support systems. We fold inward, stop connecting and communicating, and start to wonder why we suddenly feel all alone and everything seems so much freaking harder.

I’ve spent a lot of time exploring with clients this urge to run from support and have come to believe that it’s usually driven by fear of judgment and maybe a little self-punishment for guilt we feel about our struggles. It’s an understandable protective measure. When we are judging ourselves for lapsing back into old patterns, I think we often imagine others will judge us too. It’s really easy to forget that we chose those systems of support because we trusted them to hold us through the ups and downs. It’s also really easy to forget that we are imperfect, fallible, constantly learning… humans. And that when we slip, beating ourselves up and depriving ourselves of support usually just digs us into a deeper hole. What we really need is acceptance, encouragement and safe space to keep learning.

So maybe this note today is just a friendly and loving reminder to all of us to be scaffolds for each other, and to hold onto one another when we're falling fast. Reach out, write, paint, walk, plant something, boldly speak your truth. Grab onto some tiny thread of connection and pull yourself back onto your scaffolding. That’s why it’s there after all. And if you need a little extra support, I’ve got your back.

Releasing Old Identities

Moving on is always tricky, but leaving something (or someone) that’s been good to us, is a gnarly maze. It’s so easy to get turned around, and find ourselves back in our comfort zones. Without even noticing it, we slip back into the old behaviors, relationships, and mindsets that were part of our “before” times.

Why? Well, often because when we’re on a friendly, familiar path we get to taste some enticing blend of feeling capable, comfortable, rewarded, recognized, and appreciated. And that can be really, really hard to let go of, even when we know we want and need to step out, and especially when there’s a good chance we won’t get all of that sweet validation right away on our new ventures. Heck, it might even be entirely the opposite.

Check out this video where you can listen in on a powerful conversation with a couple of my clients, incredible women sharing ways they navigate big identity, career and life shifts.

Here are a few tips we came up with for betting on new dreams when old dreams try to suck us back in.

Apply TJ Maxx logic. It’s awfully tempting to buy a cute dress just because it used to be $85 and now it’s only $7, but I try to ask myself if I’d want it if it were $185. If the answer is “no” I really don’t need it, and will probably regret spending the $7. The same is true with old identities. When little asks (the quick task or favor) get made, ask yourself if you’d want to do that thing lots more times. If the answer is no, it’s probably not worth it, because there’s a great chance that one little ask will start a cascade of little asks that pull you off course.

Say yes AND no. When you’re trying to decide between a “yes” or a “no”, try saying both to yourself and see which one feels good and which one feels scary. Now, you might think I’m about to say, “go with the one that feels good”. But, I’m not. If you don’t feel a little scared, there’s a great chance you’re back dancing to the same old song.

Make a better pros and cons list. We’ve all done them, but this time put your new dream at the top of that list. Keep looking at it. Your old dream had different priorities. Answer this question with your new dream front and center.I love spending my time with people who inspire me. They make me so much smarter, and help me stay on track. If you’re a people person too, try any of these techniques with trusted, inspiring friends. By trusted, I mean those friends who will call BS on backsliding, while also showing grace and compassion when it inevitably happens. And if you’re interested in learning more about LiveUp, a community of women designing their best lives together, reach out.

Aransas Savas, CPC, ELI-MP is a Wellbeing and Leadership Coach and creator of LiveUp, and is certified by the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching. Aransas has spent two decades as a Coach and experience designer, working with leading behavior change scientists to help thousands of people make lasting life changes. With LiveUp, she has created a uniquely holistic and proven approach to coaching to help people break through barriers and design their best lives. 

Visit LiveUp at www.liveupdaily.com

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At Aransas' request, please consider a donation to https://nami.org/Home, the Nation's largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness.

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