Au Revoir, Arrivederci, Adios...Birth Control.

As I sit here wondering what I can write to uplift women, I find myself having a Carrie Bradshaw moment, just without the cigarette—pondering over the word uplift and how that fits into my truth as a wife, mom, lawyer.

And then, just as I am starting to feel fluid in my thoughts and putting words to paper, my proverbial cigarette dissipates into nothingness, and I am overcome with emotion. Wait, what is happening? Why do I feel overwhelmed and a bit sad? I was just about to say something great. Then, all of a sudden, I get a notification on my phone from the new menstrual tracking app that I downloaded comically dubbed "Flo." My Flo assistant is asking me if I am feeling grumpy today. Is she telepathic? Of course not. But Flo is new to my life, and I am learning to embrace her indelicate communique.

You see, recently, I decided to quit birth control.

A little back story. I have been taking birth control for the last 21 years.

I have been married for over a decade, and I knew that I did not want more children. One beautiful, strong-minded daughter was enough. I have taken birth control every day of my life orally since I was 15. I never really missed a pill, except for the "sugar pills;" I never took those. I figured I would stop taking birth control when menopause hit or when my gynecologist told me it was time. I am 36 now.

Earlier this year, I was talking with a girlfriend from work who just turned 40, and her gynecologist brought to her attention the not-so-positive side effects of birth control, such as blood clots after the age of 40. And then it hit me, I have been putting these chemicals into my body for such a long time, and maybe I should stop.

So, that very day, I hurried home to convince my wonderful husband to get a vasectomy. At first, he was reluctant. After a couple of glasses of wine and reassuring him that he would not lose his peas to his carrot, he succumbed to my persuasion. Two months later, his procedure was over and done. That hilarious doctor visit and the drive home are stories for another time.

After his urologist assured me that both of my husband's samples came back negative and "we were good to go," I then called my gynecologist.

Of course, I did not get to speak directly to my gynecologist; I talked to the nurse. But I was ok with that. I asked her if I could stop cold turkey. She said yes. I prodded her about what I should expect from my hormones. She said I would be fine, if not better. That was a lie. But the silver lining is that she said I would lose a few pounds, which I have.

Back to the lie.

What I have learned from stopping birth control is that I am incredibly emotional. And it's very sporadic. Nothing triggers it. I have found that I can go a whole day at work and feel fine. But as soon as I get home to my family, who are so lovingly and patiently waiting on me to eat dinner with them, I want to turn around and go back to work. I have never felt like this before. It is not every day. But I have felt this way at least three times now since quitting birth control.

It has been exactly ten days since saying farewell to birth control. I have cried, and my mood is burdensome. Let me be clear, I love my family, and I love seeing them at the end of my long day. And I feel terrible about these aforementioned disparaging moments of guilt about not wanting to be there with them. I googled what I should feel like. Weirdly, the internet made me feel better.

Feel relatable? I tried to explain to my husband and daughter that I think I am feeling this way because my hormones are trying to level out; at least, that is what google says. They seemed to understand.

I spoke with another girlfriend this week who also no longer takes birth control. She did not give me much hope. She said that I should expect the highs and lows more often and that mood swings are symptomatic of femaleness. She is not a doctor, but I do believe her. I recognize that something is off internally. And I am trying to learn to cope with the extreme highs and lows by talking through them with others. Even sitting here now typing is helping.

I apologize. My truth is not very uplifting.

It is not easy being a woman. But I hope that another woman out there can relate to how I feel and what I am going through. And that if she reads this, it helps her feel empowered to engage in open dialog regarding how she is feeling and what she is experiencing.

We are told from a young age that it is best to be seen and not heard. To smile through the pain. To mask our emotions. And my favorite, which comes directly from my mother, is to put some makeup on and feel better. What?!

That does not make me feel better.

What makes me feel better is talking about my highs and lows, especially when experiencing them. I try and talk with my husband, and he is caring and listens to what I am saying. But he admittedly does not understand the female roller coaster of emotions. He is of the mindset to go outside and rub some dirt on it.

If only it were that easy.

Do I regret stopping birth control? A little.

Are my natural female emotions something that I can embrace for the better? Yes. And I do feel cleaner in the sense that I am not submitting a pill into my body to trick it each month into thinking I am pregnant. But this is just my truth. Everyone is different. Who knows what tomorrow beholds.

My parting words are this: Goodbye birth control. You have been there for me. You have protected me. But I do not need you any longer.

Hello, hormones. Please be nice to me and my body.

~Kristen

Kristen is a wife, mom and attorney from the Dallas, Texas area. In her free time, she enjoys hosting family and friends for pool parties in their backyard, traveling, and nice date nights with her husband, Dustin.  She is learning how to live in the body God gave her with all its emotional ups and downs while still KILLING IT AT LIFE AND WORK. 

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