Writing about my health journey is very soul-bearing. It feels a lot like standing naked in front of a crowd, and trust me when I say that no one wants to see me naked. Only in the last year have I realized that it’s okay for me to start where I am now and take my time to achieve my goals. It’s even okay to change my path or goal along the way. That’s a big revelation for me as I am an “all or nothing” kinda girl. I want to tell this story to inspire someone to take the first step on their own health journey or maybe help them understand it is okay if it takes them longer to accomplish their goals.
For years I have been embarrassed that I was fat. I didn’t like the way I looked or how I felt. Like many, I have tried lots of diets and “quick fixes” to lose weight. At my heaviest, I was 398 lbs. I say that because it is so much easier for me to accept than saying I was 400 lbs, which I probably was at some point, but I avoided scales like the plague. So, I did some research and decided to have lap band surgery. That was my first big step, and it was 15 years ago! I quickly lost 70 lbs and was so excited.
The band was a tool and a great jump start. However, the scale stalled after the big initial loss, and I was stuck. I am almost ashamed to say that I was making myself content at that weight. I did feel better and could buy clothes at a plus-size store and not have to special order. I would diet and exercise some over the next several years, managing to lose another 30 pounds. While losing 100 lbs in total sounds impressive, when the scale still reads 300 lbs, it feels like you might as well give up because you will never be able to make your goal weight. Especially when it took me 14 years to lose the first hundred! Let me say, looking at those ideal weight charts should be a crime. Based on the ideal weight chart, I would need to lose another 160 lbs. Talk about a buzz kill!
I tried to make myself feel better by saying that so many people with weight loss surgery have weight regain, and I had managed to keep that 100 lbs off. The truth was that I was 50 and miserable. It was time to do something about it! My son, his fiance, and I decided to change our way of eating. We picked our plan and got started in August of 2020. Why not add diet stress to the already crappy year?
I knew I needed to add exercise to my routine. However, I am clumsy! I’m not just a little uncoordinated or accident-prone. I am talking trip over a painted line kind of clumsy. I had tried gyms before but couldn’t figure out the machines and just got frustrated. I had a series of “I Love Lucy” moments with equipment that I’m pretty sure will show up on AFV one day, but that is another story! I decided this time I needed professional help. Of course, Facebook read my mind like we all know it does. I started seeing exercise ads. I somehow wandered onto a local personal trainer’s page. I liked the fact that he didn’t look like a 30 something beach body commercial. He was only slightly less intimidating as a 50 something beach body. I was so nervous making the call.
I went into his gym for a training session, and everything began changing from there. Allen was exactly the trainer I needed. He was able to assess where I was and knew where to start me off and how to push me without making me discouraged or injured. I started very slow with one in-person session an afternoon a week and two online workouts he set up for me during the week. I think I started at the bottom of the fitness ladder...heck, I’m not sure I was even on the ladder.
During our sessions, Allen would sometimes say things that made me think about diet and exercise differently than I had before. One of my favorites was “fitness is a journey, not a destination.” I had always looked so far ahead at a goal that seemed too hard to accomplish, and I would get discouraged. Now I look at each workout as steps on a hike, and I’m looking around enjoying the view. Wait, back up, did I say “enjoy???” Yes! I actually enjoy my workouts now. I began going in twice a week, and one was an early morning. Gasp! Then I went to three times a week and have moved all my sessions to early morning. That is huge for me. If you had told me a year ago that I would be waking up early to do weight training 3 days a week I would have laughed so hard I would have split the seams of my industrial-strength Spanx. I have always believed that I needed as much beauty sleep as possible because no one wants to look at a haggard, sleep-deprived, fat chick. I’m not saying that I jump out of bed and do cartwheels to the gym, but I do drag myself in, work my hardest and leave feeling incredibly energized and accomplished. It is a very addicting way to start the day.
I was complaining one day about being stalled and upset because I had cheated on my diet with ice cream. Allen very calmly said, “five years from now, it won’t matter that you had ice cream last night.” That gave me a whole new perspective. In the past, if I cheated that was it, the end of the world. I had failed and could never diet again. Now I look at it as a lifestyle change. I try to eat a certain way for my health, but it is okay if life happens and I celebrate or stress eat. I admit that I still feel guilty but only for a little while. I go right back to trying to stick to my plan. As Allen would say, “It’s not about perfection; it’s about perseverance.” That stuck with me because, truth be told, I’m a bit stubborn, so I know about perseverance.
Hiring a personal trainer was the best thing I have ever done for myself. As much as I love clothes, shoes, and jewelry, I would give up shopping to pay my trainer. One year later and I am 56 pounds lighter and a lot stronger. I now look at small accomplishments along my journey instead of being overwhelmed by the fact that I still need to lose another 80 pounds. I can load my kayak on top of the car, jump up onto the door frame and stand there to strap it down and do it all in about 5 minutes. I can carry my kayak to and from the water myself and not be out of breath. I went to Vegas on a plane and fit in the seat belt without an extension. I can sit in a chair and notice I have room on the sides. I have collar bones, actual visible ones! I know this may sound funny, but I notice muscles now. I’m sure I have always had muscles, but they were small and hidden under so much fat I couldn’t feel them. Even if I still can’t see them through the fat, at least I can feel them. Sometimes I have to touch one that I just discovered and flex to prove that it really is a muscle.
It may take me five years to lose 80 more pounds or I may never lose it all. It is okay if I don’t. I will continue to try every day and enjoy the journey of experimenting with new recipes, celebrating my victories, and feeling the satisfaction of completing a hard workout. It’s not about weight loss. It is about being healthy, fit, feeling fabulous, and celebrating the journey instead of focusing on the destination. Believe me when I say that if I can do this, you can too!
~Angie
I tried to make myself feel better by saying that so many people with weight loss surgery have weight regain, and I had managed to keep that 100 lbs off. The truth was that I was 50 and miserable. It was time to do something about it! My son, his fiance, and I decided to change our way of eating. We picked our plan and got started in August of 2020. Why not add diet stress to the already crappy year?
I knew I needed to add exercise to my routine. However, I am clumsy! I’m not just a little uncoordinated or accident-prone. I am talking trip over a painted line kind of clumsy. I had tried gyms before but couldn’t figure out the machines and just got frustrated. I had a series of “I Love Lucy” moments with equipment that I’m pretty sure will show up on AFV one day, but that is another story! I decided this time I needed professional help. Of course, Facebook read my mind like we all know it does. I started seeing exercise ads. I somehow wandered onto a local personal trainer’s page. I liked the fact that he didn’t look like a 30 something beach body commercial. He was only slightly less intimidating as a 50 something beach body. I was so nervous making the call.
I went into his gym for a training session, and everything began changing from there. Allen was exactly the trainer I needed. He was able to assess where I was and knew where to start me off and how to push me without making me discouraged or injured. I started very slow with one in-person session an afternoon a week and two online workouts he set up for me during the week. I think I started at the bottom of the fitness ladder...heck, I’m not sure I was even on the ladder.
During our sessions, Allen would sometimes say things that made me think about diet and exercise differently than I had before. One of my favorites was “fitness is a journey, not a destination.” I had always looked so far ahead at a goal that seemed too hard to accomplish, and I would get discouraged. Now I look at each workout as steps on a hike, and I’m looking around enjoying the view. Wait, back up, did I say “enjoy???” Yes! I actually enjoy my workouts now. I began going in twice a week, and one was an early morning. Gasp! Then I went to three times a week and have moved all my sessions to early morning. That is huge for me. If you had told me a year ago that I would be waking up early to do weight training 3 days a week I would have laughed so hard I would have split the seams of my industrial-strength Spanx. I have always believed that I needed as much beauty sleep as possible because no one wants to look at a haggard, sleep-deprived, fat chick. I’m not saying that I jump out of bed and do cartwheels to the gym, but I do drag myself in, work my hardest and leave feeling incredibly energized and accomplished. It is a very addicting way to start the day.
I was complaining one day about being stalled and upset because I had cheated on my diet with ice cream. Allen very calmly said, “five years from now, it won’t matter that you had ice cream last night.” That gave me a whole new perspective. In the past, if I cheated that was it, the end of the world. I had failed and could never diet again. Now I look at it as a lifestyle change. I try to eat a certain way for my health, but it is okay if life happens and I celebrate or stress eat. I admit that I still feel guilty but only for a little while. I go right back to trying to stick to my plan. As Allen would say, “It’s not about perfection; it’s about perseverance.” That stuck with me because, truth be told, I’m a bit stubborn, so I know about perseverance.
Hiring a personal trainer was the best thing I have ever done for myself. As much as I love clothes, shoes, and jewelry, I would give up shopping to pay my trainer. One year later and I am 56 pounds lighter and a lot stronger. I now look at small accomplishments along my journey instead of being overwhelmed by the fact that I still need to lose another 80 pounds. I can load my kayak on top of the car, jump up onto the door frame and stand there to strap it down and do it all in about 5 minutes. I can carry my kayak to and from the water myself and not be out of breath. I went to Vegas on a plane and fit in the seat belt without an extension. I can sit in a chair and notice I have room on the sides. I have collar bones, actual visible ones! I know this may sound funny, but I notice muscles now. I’m sure I have always had muscles, but they were small and hidden under so much fat I couldn’t feel them. Even if I still can’t see them through the fat, at least I can feel them. Sometimes I have to touch one that I just discovered and flex to prove that it really is a muscle.
It may take me five years to lose 80 more pounds or I may never lose it all. It is okay if I don’t. I will continue to try every day and enjoy the journey of experimenting with new recipes, celebrating my victories, and feeling the satisfaction of completing a hard workout. It’s not about weight loss. It is about being healthy, fit, feeling fabulous, and celebrating the journey instead of focusing on the destination. Believe me when I say that if I can do this, you can too!
~Angie
The Beloved Allen
Allen offers online training! Contact him here: https://www.amaxfitness.com/
Angie at her highest weight...
The Journey...
Angie with her son, Jake
Angie Tillman is an atypical accountant from Little Rock, Arkansas. She shares living space with her son, daughter-in-love, a dog and three cats. There would be chickens and goats if the HOA would just see it her way! In her free time, she enjoys kayaking in the many beautiful lakes in Arkansas.
You may connect with Angie on Facebook and hear frequent updates on her life and health journey:
https://www.facebook.com/sunnyadt
And as always, If you are interested in becoming one of our featured guest writers, we'd love for you to join our community of bloggers! Reach out to Becca Canny at becca.vented@gmail.com.
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