Becoming a mother and having a family was something I always hoped for. I have been blessed with a supportive husband, a family of my own, and a fulfilling career in education. However, I was not prepared for the difficulty of balancing being the best mother and most effective educator I could be.
After my first child Elizabeth arrived, I suffered from postpartum depression. The waves of depression and anxiety consumed me. I was drowning in worry and uncertainty. Would I not be able to take care of my baby correctly, would I not be able to keep the house clean, get the laundry done? Would I lose the job I had worked so hard for? Despite being on maternity leave, my biggest fear was the possibility of not being effective when I returned to the classroom. Once I was back on my feet, my days with my daughter were filled with laughter, loving moments, and milestones.
When I returned to the classroom, I was utterly overwhelmed. I had put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect wife, mother, and educator that the anxiety I felt after my first pregnancy began to creep back into my life. I began having moments of immense guilt due to the drastic changes in my daily routine. Things such as calling my parents to check-in or getting dinner on the table so everyone could eat together varied from week to week. It caused me so much stress and unnecessary personal ridicule.
Two years after my daughter was born, our son Steven arrived. At a young age, he began struggling educationally and socially. While maintaining a home, work, children, and relationships with my husband, friends, and family, I went from treading to drowning in both my personal and professional lives. The B12 supplements stopped helping me balance my moods and the Melatonin supplements only allotted me a few hours of sleep each night. In addition, work became more of a challenge for me. A new assistant principal was hired and had me rethinking my career choice. The staff and I dealt with daily harassment, criticism, and manipulation, three factors that complicated my already fragile emotional and mental state. Though I received glowing evaluations year in and year out from my principal, I felt my performance in the classroom was suffering due to the unsupportive environment I was working in.
A few years after getting my son on track, my daughter hit puberty. Her grades began to slip, and she was always angry and sad. Elizabeth slowly began to remove herself from spending time with friends and family. My husband and I chalked her behavior up to teenage angst, but there was something more serious going on. Soon after having her evaluated, Liz was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I began absorbing much of how Liz felt during this transitional time in her life. My husband and I had her working with professionals, where she learned the coping mechanisms to manage her emotions. During this time, I had hit rock bottom. I was doing much of what Liz did before her diagnosis. I did not want to go to work. I did not want to be around my family or friends. I cut myself off from those who loved me most. I lacked drive, motivation, and passion for everything important to me.
We do not receive a parenting handbook when we are on the way home from the hospital. We do our best as we navigate the rough waters. I tend to think that many of us, myself included, find ourselves in tough times while working full time and jumping life's many hurdles. In retrospect, I figured out that my uneasiness consumed me because of the expectations I put on myself, as many working mothers do. We try to be Wonder Woman, but is that our reality? You're bound to break a few plates while you're spinning ten at a time. Working and parenting are about experience and finding balance. Once I realized this, I made adjustments to my life and let go of those expectations I held for myself. I began speaking to a therapist who reassured me I was not going crazy but was overloaded due to my vision of myself as a mother and teacher. She told me to carve time out for myself each day, whether it be exercising, taking a walk, or listening to music. What I took away from those sessions was the realization that the roles I played could not be scripted, that I needed to accept what was thrown my way each day and deal with the issue at hand instead of worrying about what could happen tomorrow. My last "aha moment" was realizing I needed to separate my family time from work. Teaching is not a job that ends when the bell rings. It is a job that you take home, whether worrying about a student's well-being, making phone calls home, planning lessons, projects, or trips, or making and grading assessments. Keeping home life separated from work life required sacrificing on my part. It meant not opening my bookbag until my children were tucked away in bed for the night. It meant more extended hours and less sleep, but it was worth it because my time with my children took precedence over everything else. It allowed me to enjoy my time with them instead of becoming frustrated because I was being pulled in different directions while trying to get work done for school. My anxiety and stress level lowered by making these simple changes in my life. I slowly found myself again. That was the biggest and best gift I gave myself and my family.
My advice to every working mother is to stop being so hard on yourself. Do not set goals for yourself that are not attainable. It will lead to disappointment and feelings of failure. There is no one size fits all way of balancing work and being a mother. Ultimately, we are all works in progress. It is okay to leave unfolded laundry on the couch or dishes in the sink. Your floors will be washed, eventually. Multitasking is very overrated and depletes your energy. Stop and watch your children experience things for the first time and revel in those moments. Make memories. Most importantly, set aside time to take care of yourself without guilt. A ten-minute drive blasting your favorite music does wonders for your soul!
I was very hard on my younger self because I was looking to please everyone and hear what a good job I was doing. I compared myself to other mothers and tried to be someone I was not. Our journeys may be very different, but what binds us is motherhood. Take care of yourself so you can be the best version of yourself for your children. Even when the walls are high, and your spirits are low, let me assure you that you can do this. One of my favorite quotes was shared with me by my twenty-one-year-old daughter. It describes motherhood in the simplest form:
"To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power." —Maya Angelou
*This essay was originally published on jobs.mom on March 12, 2021
Jennifer Belford grew up and lives in Staten Island, NY with her husband of twenty-five years, two children, and their yellow labrador retriever. Over her twenty-one year career in education, she has worked in special education, taught fourth grade and is currently an eighth grade homeroom and junior high science teacher. In her spare time she enjoys reading, scrapbooking, gardening, and appreciating the little things she once took for granted.
You may connect with Jen on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/jbelford
or on Instagram @jenn42
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