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Giving into GRACE

I am falling, my arms and legs are flailing and I realize that I am about to die. The air rushes around my body, and I am gripped by the horrifying realization that the ground grows closer beneath me every second. I tell myself that it will all be over soon. A startling jolt rocks my body, and I hit my mattress. I am awake, gasping. I run my hands over my sheets and blanket, grateful for their reassuring softness and warmth. I console myself by saying, “it was only a nightmare.” This recurring nightmare began to make me dread sleep. Why was I constantly dreaming about falling/dying? After some deep reflection, I began to truly understand why and where this nightmare originated.

The nightmare was a wake-up call from my subconscious. It was time for me to take a long hard look at myself. I had given up on myself and my happiness nearly 20 years earlier. My soul and spirit had been taking a beating, and I had stopped fighting back. I found myself working up to my second divorce in my late forties thanks to deceit and alcoholism (his, not mine). My first marriage ended after five years when he left me a single mom to two beautiful children. That all sounds terrible, but worse still, I honestly forgot my happiness, physical and emotional health. I had gained more than 100 extra pounds. Every part of me screamed from the physical and emotional pain I felt. 

Twenty-plus years? Why did I let myself continue to suffer and prevent my happiness? Why did I treat myself so badly and be okay with it? The truth was, I could not, and the recurring nightmare was my reminder that I should not. I decided to give into grace and heed the message the nightmare and my subconscious were sending me. What changes did I want to make to achieve happiness? As I neared the end of my 48th year, I determined that by my 50th birthday, I would be divorced from my second husband, and I would shed the extra 100 lbs. I had gained. 

These decisions and goals were not going to be realized easily. I had put off filing for divorce for ten years even though we’d been living separate lives since 2011. I also had no idea how I would lose 100 lbs.  I felt wretched and scared yet very determined all the same. Once I make up my mind to accomplish something, nothing gets in my way. I accepted that it took me a long time to decide to make the changes I needed to make, but I decided.

Fast forward to June 2021, and I’m 50 (51 next month) years young, happily divorced, and yes, 100 pounds lighter. I can look in the mirror with self-love and conviction. I always believed in myself, but at some point, I had lost sight of myself! I shared my story to support anyone out there who might be drowning with life or situations they are experiencing. Let my story remind you that you are worth the effort, you are amazing, and most importantly, you deserve to be happy. It is okay to fall, to err, and even to forget yourself. Don’t waste precious time remaining in that bad space as I did. Plan a way to course-correct and treat your whole self like the rare gem you are!

I still get nightmares, but they are not as frightening anymore because I had given into grace.


                                                     Andrea Before



Andrea Today


If you are interested in participating in our Vented Uplift Community Blog as a guest writer, please reach out to Becca at becca.vented@gmail.com
                                                            



CLICK HERE TO SEE OUR BEAUTIFUL 'GRACE' AROMATHERAPY POWER WORD BRACELET




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